Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

I wish I were this cool 😂

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?