Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
it must be school picture day
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight