Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

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Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.


Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.


Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*


Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good


HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!


By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.