Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
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Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
HER: I love sweater weather
ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.