Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.