trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
new record!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted