trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole