Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The Others (2001)
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.