Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Spotted in the wild

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

That earthquake could have been an email.

I can’t stop watching this.

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

water it, i dare you

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…