Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night