Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.