Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.