[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Love is always patient and kind.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.