Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die