Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
You Might Also Like
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
LA today:
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles