Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.