Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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SCARY COSTUME

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Autocarrot sucks!