Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
R.I.P.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀