Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

From Facebook just now…

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.