Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

I love wikipedia

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Coffee is ready.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.