[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
saw this in a dream
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
No regrets in 2018
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Fries, not lies.