[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You Might Also Like
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.