Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house