Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]