[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Creative Problem Solving
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out