[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)