Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.