Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.