[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
You Might Also Like
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?