Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
All is fair in drunk and war.
How wrong was this guy?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”