Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Time heals everything 🙂
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
How dude HOW?!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred