Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
You Might Also Like
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder