Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
first date idea we go to marriage counseling