Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.