Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

“and how does that make you feel?”

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…