Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
man: wait
time: no
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.