Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

how to have an accident 101

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

is this how new cars are made??

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.