trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
That’s it.I’m out.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
He wanted to make sure😂
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
This one, by a wide margin
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.