trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”