*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.