*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Who called it baking and not making love
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.