Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.