*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
