*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.