(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid