(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.