Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.