[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I don’t think my car can fly
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Sign at work today
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
This was a bad idea all around
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.