Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.