Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.