Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.