Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”