Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Lmfaoooooo
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
edward fingerhands
Huge if true.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*skinny dips into black hole
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid