‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
i made a craigslist ad !
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no