Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us