Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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