Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary