Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The cycle continues
Matthew was born for this.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!