Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Got him!

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?