Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.