Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
incredible
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
😂 amazing answer
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.