Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

my mind

You just read my mind

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.