Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”