Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times