Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I need to get some bricks…
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer