[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Just why bro?!
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
How to woo a woman
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that