[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight