[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator![]()
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The pasta is now
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.