trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit