trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
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You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING