Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Nothing.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.