trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.