Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Did I do this right
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.