Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.