Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed