Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

This took me a second..

Peter Parker Peter Driver

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.