Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
You Might Also Like
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers