Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

that wasn’t the question

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Our lord and savoury.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.